The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.com
)
Tue, 29 Jun 1999 02:35:51 +0100
The Loony Bin - http://loonies.net800.co.uk/
Hiya Loonies...
Here are an unusual collection of aircraft engineer tales...sent in by
Colin...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
*********THE LOONY BIN****loonies@bloodaxe.com*********
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*** Archive: http://loonies.net800.co.uk/ ***
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************ANDROMEDA******Internet Goddess************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
All true:
As you are may be aware, aircraft engineers take a highly expensive
tool, paid for out of their own pocket and proceed to grind it up, bend
it using welding torches, and inflict similar abuse in order to use it
for one special purpose on one particular aircraft type or engine. The
manufacturers would cringe.
This guy would not do that, nor would he even lend you a screwdriver for
five minutes. Now,we had a good team; they were also mercenary buggers
and nothing was sacred when it came to humour. (Ever hear the Lady Di
Airbus joke?).
This guy would be working away and would ask to borrow someone's special
kit, "Can I borrow a small 1/2 inch ring spanner?"
He would silently get handed a 3/8 ring and we'd wait for the plaintive
call, "It doesnae fit, whits wrang?"
_________________________________________________________
As you are probably well aware, the N.E. of Scotland is a miserable
bloody place in winter with that freezing, wet wind coming off the
N.Sea.
We had an Avgas refuelling franchise and a retired engineer to run it.
As he had to cover 24-hours for the air ambulance flights, the engineers
would do the avgas refuels in the early mornings and evenings. (Where
did all the fuel samples go?)
So,first thing the early shift did was to fire up the bowsers,
(tankers), one petrol and one diesel.
Our man was not allowed to come in and supervise the handlers so Jim and
I got lumbered with him for a while. He could never get the hang of the
cold start button on the diesel and would flatten the battery causing
the handlers no end of grief dragging a 13-ton bowser around an icy ramp
trying to jump start it.
We devised a plan one night over some 'liberated' Bacardi and
implemented it the next time we were rostered for early shift. Arriving
15 minutes before duty time at 6am, Jim or myself would run out and fire
up the bowser. We would then leg-it back to our cars, drive around the
corner and hide in the helicopter departure terminal to watch him drive
past as normal a good ten minutes late. We would then finish our bacon
sarnies and go to the hanger.
We would find the chap gazing out the hanger door in his peculiar
stance, tugging at an eyelash as the bowser slowly chugged away in a
haze of exhaust fumes.
I explained that the B.P. guys had had a lot of problems that winter
with self starting tankers due to a change in the diesel formula. Our
boy got on the case, he wanted fame and fortune and a perpetual supply
of fried bread and sausages.
A couple of weeks later we had been doing a check in one of the G-1s
and were really going for it that weekend as the A/C was needed first
thing Monday and there was a gearbox change one side and an engine
change on the other. All grunts to the sty so as to speak.
We had aqquired a new engineering manager who was a positive workaholic
and who enjoyed getting filthy. He was also very,very well qualified and
experienced.
So,there we were at lunch in the crew room,the usual health food from
the chip shop, and our man decided to expound his theory that was going
to make him rich.
He'd got it all worked out:- Basically what happened was that the
efueller would shut down the bowser when he went home with the ambient
temperature being about freezing or slightly below. During the night the
temperature would drop to -5 or -10,and as the crankcase was vented to
the atmosphere then the increased air pressure would force a piston
approaching TDC to rise and thus instigate compression and ignition.
Hence a self-starting deisel engine! (I kid you not.)
Of course we knew the guy and remained deadpan with every intention of
giving him every encouragment to pursue his theory thus increasing the
merriment factor.
However,our new Eng Manager did not know the situation and proceeded to
tell the guy what a twat he was, whereupon he replied, "Now look, just
remember your basic physics, a man of your qualifications should know
that!"
The crew room emptied rapidly as various people headed for the toilet
before they peed themselves. We could hear the roaring from a good
twenty yards away.
Strangely though,he continued to promulgate this theory for some time.
_________________________________________
Heavy Water:- I was happily working away in the workshops when he
arrived at high speed one afternoon with THAT look on his face. "A wind
up in the offing," I thought.
Some of the guys had been taking the radome off of a 748 and as happens
in these circumstances some water had condensed inside. As they pulled
it free the guy on the bottom, Alan, got a shower. Sharp as a nail Alan
falls to the floor and rubbing his head said, "Bloody hell,that water
was heavy." Of course they all join in, "Yea, there's more and more of
it about", etc, etc.
Now, our man was getting used to being wound up so as I was not present
he decided to ask my opinion. He told me the story and I kind of agreed
with him but said that I'd ask my girlfriend who was a research chemist
for a major paper manufacturer,she would know.
Anne was magic and as this guy had said living in sin was a terrible way
for a woman to behave, she got right on the case and prepared a
wonderfully detailed report full of highly esoteric expressions and
chemistry blurb about the increasing incidence of heavy water in the
atmosphere.
Basically, and trust me here people:- The Norwegians had been
experimenting with heavy water in the 30's to turn their electricity
generating turbines.
The increased density of the water used as a motive force for a water
powered generating turbine would be more efficient they thought. However
the increased cost of pumping it back UP to the resevoir was prohibitive
so they abandoned the project and leased the water to the NAZIS to store
their nuclear fuel rods in.
Over several decades this water began to evaporate as it was so heavy.
On reaching the upper atmosphere it would not cool as quickly as
conventional water and would fall as rain only after many years of super
cooling.
This was what was causing the deforestation of Northern Europe, the
heavier water droplets were hitting the leaves on the trees etc, and
knocking them off.
Brilliant or what?.
Our friend spent several days on close scrutiny of this report that had
been obtained at no small risk to Anne's future career as it was a
classified goverment document,(sic).
He then went public and started firing off letters to all and sundry!!!
Yes, there's more about this guy and you thought flying was safe...???
Please include this information if you forward this joke:
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