The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Sun, 10 May 1998 23:38:26 +0100
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Hiya Loonies...
Ever wanted to lose weight...???...here's a useful calorie
counter for you...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
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*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
*** Archive: http://eleceng.ukc.ac.uk/~pjw/loonies/ ***
*** ***
*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
======================
THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO
WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX
======================
-------------------------------------------------------------
ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
-------------------------------------------------------------
REMOVING CLOTHES:
With partner's consent.....................................12
Without partner's consent.................................187
UNHOOKING BRA:
Using two calm hands........................................7
Using one trembling hand...................................36
GETTING TO BED
Lifting partner............................................15
Dragging partner on floor..................................16
Using skateboard............................................3
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:
For normal healthy man....................................2.5
Losing erection............................................14
Searching for it..........................................115
PUTTING ON CONDOM:
With erection.............................................1.5
Without erection..........................................300
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:
If the woman who does it is
Experienced................................................6
Inexperienced.............................................73
If a man does it..........................................680
Add (5) calories for retrieving it from across the room.
ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:
Italian - Man on top,woman in kitchen......................26
Russian - Woman on bottom, Man getting permission..........55
American - Both on top.....................................60
SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE:
Bouncing....................................................7
Sliding around..............................................9
Serious skidding...........................................12
Whiplash...................................................27
ORGASM:
Real.......................................................27
Faked.....................................................160
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
Shoes flew off.............................................35
Expression didn't change..................................0.5
Orchestra swelled...........................................6
Birds sang
Large birds................................................7
Small birds................................................3
Earth moved................................................30
PULLING OUT:
After orgasm..............................................0.5
A few moments before orgasm...............................500
PENIS ENVY:
For women...................................................3
For men....................................................72
GUILT:
Despite no formal training, orgasm comes easily............53
You're enjoying sex,despite the fact that
other people are starving...................................2
Sex on your lunch hour......................................3
Putting it on expense account..............................20
AGGRAVATION:
Partner keeps showing plants................................5
Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay........14
Partner visiting bathroom for 7th time.....................10
Partner taking phone calls..................................7
Partner making phone calls.................................40
GETTING CAUGHT:
By partner's spouse........................................60
By your spouse............................................100
Trying to explain..........................................55
Trying to remain calm.....................................100
Leaping out of bed.........................................75
Getting dressed in one motion ............................500
Thanking partner quickly....................................2
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