The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Tue, 26 Aug 1997 23:18:37 +0100
Hiya Folks...
Finally, here's diet that can't fail...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
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**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
THE TODDLER MIRACLE DIET
Posted by Tony Kneidek
Flabby Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The
trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the
starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet),
or you go broke (the all-meat diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3
days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is
there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a
gland problem? Or is there a slim <groan> hope?
Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have
noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one
day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is
the reason.
After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and
distraught moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is
inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before
embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor ...
otherwise you might have to see him afterward. Good luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on
the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly
over your face and clothes.
Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and
a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner - A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale
beer.
Bedtime Snack - Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
Breakfast - Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of
vegetable dye.
Lunch - Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette
(to be eaten, not smoked). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack - Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside,
drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it
is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner - A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up
your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes;
eat with a spoon.
DAY THREE
Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub
in hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in
glass.
After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug,
lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best
chair.
Lunch - Three matches, peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. Spit
several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on
table and slurp up.
Dinner - Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine,
coffee.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast - A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap,
an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes,
add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink
milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch - Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.
Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball
on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.