The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Mon, 20 Jan 1997 02:54:36 +0000
Hiya All...
Once again, kids share their words of wisdom...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
BIBLE STORIES RETOLD BY YOUNG SCHOLARS AROUND THE WORLD
The jewels found below are said to be written by actual students and are
genuine, authentic, and unretouched. Compiled by Richard Lederer, they
first appeared in the 12/31/95 issue of National Review.
"In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating
the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from
an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark,
which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt
by day, but a ball of fire by night."
"The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself
be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines
with the axe of the apostles."
"Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all
drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to
get the Ten Amendments".
"The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The
Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The Seventh
Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery."
"Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews
in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible was when
Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him."
"David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with
the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon,
one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines."
"When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta."
"When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus
in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate
contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head."
"Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you. He also explained, 'man doth not live by sweat
alone.' It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to
get the tombstone off the entrance."
"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels."
"The epistles were the wives of the apostles."
"One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession a taximan."
"St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one spouse.
This is called monotony."