The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Sat, 21 Dec 1996 03:53:35 +0000
Hiya people...
Here's the first of a string of Night Before Christmas variations...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
***<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>***
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*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, LEGALLY SPEAKING
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at
a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a
general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not
limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been
affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or
belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus
(hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aformentioned House
were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats,
including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did
dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred
to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the
parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had
retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties
were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon
the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House,
i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or
circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a
window in the House the investigate the cause of such distrubance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some
degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter
"the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air
by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehivle
appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance
to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically indentified
the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon
information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional
co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and
noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other
items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation
or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the
House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with
residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a
portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items.
He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant
violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the
minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and
other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts"
to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax
Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and
flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof
where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts."
Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination. However, prior to
the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party
of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"
Or words to that effect.