Creation...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Sun, 15 Dec 1996 18:20:00 +0000


Hiya Folks...

Here's another alternative version of Creation...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

***<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>***
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***                 THE LOONY BIN                   ***
***           loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk          ***
*** Archive: http://eleceng.ukc.ac.uk/~pjw/loonies/ ***
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------

The Book of Creation

Chapter 1


1     In the beginning God created Dates.

2     And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004 BC.

3     And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And when
there was Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got down
to work; for verily, he had a Big Job to do.

4     And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian
limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and Picanthopus
erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and those cave
paintings at Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first Work Day.

5     And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had
not wherein to put it all. And God said, Let the heavens be divided from
the earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in the
earth; but not too deep.

6     And God buried all the Things which he had made, and that was
that.

7     And the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday.

8     And God said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear; and
that was that.

9     And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called he
the Sea. And in the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one
through six; and natural gas put he thereunder, and prehistoric
carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and other ligneous matter; and
all these called he Resources; and he made them Abundant.

10     And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles
from the dry land, called he resources; all that was therein, like
manganese nodules, for instance.

11     And the morning unto the evening had been a long day; which he
called Wednesday.

12     And God said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving
creature I can think of, with or without backbones, with or without
wings or feet, or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now; and
let each one be of a separate species. For lo, I can make whatsoever I
like, whensoever I like.

13     And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and
small, with and without backbones, with and without wings and feet and
fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to brontosauri.

14     But God blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful and multiply and
Evolve Not.

15     And God looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the
earth was exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species
compete for what it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And the
species competeth amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping
things; and some madeth it and some didn't; and the dogs ate the
dinosaurs and God was pleased.

16     And God took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them to
appear mighty old; and cast he them about the land and the sea. And he
took every tiny creature that had not madeth it, and caused them to
become fossils; and cast he them about likewise.

17     And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a
doubt God created carbon dating. And this is the origin of species.

18     And in the Evening of the day which was Thursday, God saw that he
had put in another good day's work.

19     And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness,
which is tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make
monkeys, which resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and ill-
formed and hairy. And God added, Let man have dominion over the monkeys
and the fowl of the air and every speices, endangered or otherwise.

20     So God created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and
pale of hue created He him, and nothing at all like the monkeys.

21     And God said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed,
which is upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest
it giveth you ideas.

22     And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have
given also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But they
shall be for you. And the Lord God your Host suggesteth that the flesh
of cattle goeth well with that of the fin and the claw; thus shall Surf
be wedded unto Turf.

23     And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very
good; and God said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can
accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken
billions of years.

24     And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day
yet, God said, Thank me it's Friday. And God made the weekend.


Chapter 2


1     Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all in five
days, and all less than six thousand years ago; and if thou believest it
not, in a sling shalt thou find thy hindermost quarters

2     Likewise God took the dust of the ground, and the slime of the Sea
and the scum of the earth and formed Man therefrom; and breathed the
breath of life right in his face. And he became Free to Choose.

3     And God made a Marketplace eastward of Eden, in which the man was
free to play. And this was the Free Play of the Marketplace.

4     And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow four trees: the
Tree of Life, and the Liberty Tree, and the Pursuit of Happiness Tree,
and the Tree of the Knowledge of Sex.

5     And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, This is my Law, which
is called the Law of Supply and Demand. Investeth thou in the trees of
Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness, and thou shalt make for
thyself a fortune. For what fruit thou eatest not, that thou mayest
sell, and with the seeds thereof expand thy operations.

6     But the fruit of the tree of the Knowledge of Sex, thou mayest no
eat; nor mayest thou invest therein, nor profit thereby nor expand its
operations; for that is a mighty waste of seed.

7     And the man was exceeding glad. But he asked the LORD God: Who
then shall labour in this Marketplace? For I am no management, being
tall and well-formed and pale of hue?

8     And the LORD God said unto himself, Verily, this kid hath the
potential which is Executive.

9     And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field
and every fowl of the air, and brought them unto Adam to labour for him.
And they laboured for peanuts.

10     Then Adam was again exceeding glad. But he spake once more unto
the LORD God, saying, Lo, I am free to play in the Marketplace of the
LORD, and have cheap labour in plenty; but to whom shall I sell my
surplus fruit and realize a fortune thereby?

11     And the LORD God said unto himself, Verily, this is an Live One.

12     And he caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he took from him
one of his ribs, which was an spare rib.

13     And the spare rib which the LORD God had taken from the man, made
he woman. And he brought her unto the man, saying:

14     This is Woman and she shall purchase your fruit; and ye shall
realize a fortune thereby. For Man produceth and Woman consumeth,
wherefore she shall be called the consumer.

15     And they were both decently clad, the Man and the Woman, from the
neck even unto the ankles, so they were not ashamed.


Chapter 3


1      Now the snake in the grass was more permissive than any beast of
the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Why
has thou accepted this lowly and submissive role? For art thou not
human, even as the man is human?

2     And the woman said unto the snake in the grass, the LORD God hath
ordained that I am placed under the man, and must do whatsoever he
telleth me to do; for is he not the Man?

3     But the snake in the grass laughed an cunning laugh, and said unto
the woman, Is it not right and just that thou shouldst fulfill thy
potential? For art thou not comely in thy flesh, even as the man is
comely in his flesh?

4     And the woman said, Nay, I know not, for hath not the LORD God
clad us decently, from the neck even unto the ankles; and forbidden that
we eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Sex?

5     But the snake in the grass said unto the woman, whispering even
into her very ear, saying, Whatsoever feeleth good, do thou it; and
believeth thou me, it feeleth good.

6     And when the woman saw the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of
Sex, that it was firm and plump and juicy, she plucked thereof, and sank
her teeth therein, and gave also to her husband, and he likewise sank
his teeth therein.

7     And the eyes of both of them were opened, and they saw that they
were not naked.

8      And the woman lossened then Adam's uppermost garment, and he
likewise loosened hers; and she loosened his nethermost garment, and the
man then loosened her nethermost garment; until they were out of their
garments both, and likewise of their minds.

9     And, lo!, they did dance upon the grass of the ground, and they
did rock backward, and roll forward continually;

10     And as they did rock and roll, the serpent that was cunning did
play upon a stringed instrument of music, and did smite his tail upon
the ground in an hypnotic rhythm, and he did sing in a voice that was
like unto four voices: She loveth you, yea, yea, yea.

11      And they did both twist and shout, and fall into a frenzy, both
the man and the woman, and lay themselves upon the ground, and commit
there abominations.

12      And when they were spent from their abominations, they did take
the herb bearing seed, and did roll it and smoke it; and lo! it gaveth
them ideas, even as the LORD God had said; and they were like to commit
new abominations.

13     Now the LORD God was walking in the garden in the cool of the
day, with his dog; and as Adam and his wife were beginning these new
abominations, the LORD God did stub the toe of his foot upon their
hindermost quarters.

14     And the LORD God waxed wroth, and said unto Adam, Wherefore art
thou naked? And what is that thou smokest? And why art thou not at thy
work? For have I not said that it is the man's part to produce, and the
part of the woman to consume whatever he produceth?

15     And Adam and his wife did look upon one another, and did giggle.

16     Whereupon the LORD God waxed exceeding wroth, and he said, Hast
thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldst not
eat?

17     And the man said, The woman whom you gavest to be with me made me
do it.

18     And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou has
done? And the woman said, The snake in the grass made me do it.

19     And the snake in the grass said, The devil made me do it.

20     And the LORD God said unto the snake in the grass, Thou art an
permissive beast; wherefore art thou cursed to crawl upon they belly,
and be made into belts and boots and handbags hereafter.

21     Unto the woman He said, Since thou has harkened unto the snake in
the grass which is broad-of-mind and permissive; henceforth let it be
thy lot to be confused and scattered in thy brains, and to be plagued by
demons who shall tempt thee to become that which thou canst not be: such
as an warrior, or an extinguisher of fires, or an operator of heavy
machinery.

22     And since thou has put aside the decent clothing wherein I clad
thee, here after no garment shall satisfy thee, and thou shalt be
overcome by longings to change thy raiment every spring and fall.

23     And above all this, since thou hast desired to tast of the fruit
of the Tree of the Knowledge of Sex, now let thy very body be a curse
unto thee. From generation unto generation, men shalt whistle and hoot
after thee as thou passest; yea, and women also.

24     And unto Adam he said, Woe unto thee who hast harkened not to the
voice of the LORD thy God, but rather to her who is thy inferior; for 
thou wast free to choose. Now shalt thou be banished from the
Marketplace and the Free Play thereof; neither shalt thou pluck the
fruit from the Trees of Life and Liberty and the Pursuit of 
Happiness. 

25     In the sweat of they face shalt thou earn thy bread, and
bankruptcy shall be thy lot; and upon thy back, as a burden unto thee,
thou shalt bear Big Government; for thou has sinned.

26     And the LORD God said unto the man, Behold, thy knowledge of sex
shall be as a curse upon thee and they generations; and thy loins shall
be a trial to thee.

27     For whensoever thou goest into a public place, then shall thy
member rise up; when thou sitteth to eat and drink among they fellows,
likewise shall it rise up; yea, even when thou standeth before the
people to preach unto them in my name, shall it rise up, and be a
scandal unto thee, and make an unseemly lump in thy garments; yet when
thou goest into thy wife shall thy member wither, and rise up not.

28     And then the LORD God was silent, and waxed sad, and made as if
to leave them there. But he turned and spoke softly unto Adam and his
wife Eve, saying, Knowest thou something? Mine only hope is this: That
someday, ye have children who do unto you the way ye have done unto Me.