The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Tue, 12 Nov 1996 14:44:40 +0000
Hiya All...
Some of these we've seen before and some we haven't...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
*************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>*************
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*******************Internet Goddess********************
**********************ANDROMEDA************************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
1. Any given program, if running, is obsolete.
2. Any given program costs more, and takes longer.
3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
5. Any program will expand and fill all of available memory --
plus one byte.
6. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its
output.
7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
programmer who must maintain it.
TROUTMAN'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES
1. If the test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent
runs will fail.
2. The most harmful error of any program will not be discovered
until the program has been in production for at least six
months.
3. A Batch Stream that can not be arranged in improper order will
be.
4. Constants aren't.
5. Variables won't.
6. Interchangeable Tapes don't.
7. Profanity is the one language that all programmers know the
syntax of.
GILB'S LAWS OF UNRELIABILITY
1. Computers are unreliable. Humans are worse.
2. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
3. Undetectable error are infinite in variety. Detectable errors
do not exist, unless deadline is less than three hours away.
4. Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
some real work done.
BROOK'S LAW
Any manpower added to a late project makes it later.
LAWS OF COMPUTERDUM ACCORDING TO GOLUB
1. Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of
estimating the corresponding costs.
2. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete
than expected.
Carefully planned projects take only three times longer to
complete than expected.
3. Programmers detest weekly status reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.
LUBARSKY'S LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY
There is always one more bug.
SHAW'S PRINCIPLE
Build a system that even a fool can use,
and only a fool will use it.
IBM POLLYANNA PRINCIPLE
Machines should work. People should think.
GRAY'S LAW OF PROGRAMMING
"n+1" trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the
same time as "n" trivial tasks.
LOGG'S REBUTTAL TO GRAY'S LAW
"n+1" trivial tasks take twice as long as "n" trivial tasks.
WEINBERG'S SECOND LAW
If builders built buildings the way that programmers program
programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy
civilization.
MURPHY'S COMPUTER LAW
Murphy never would have used computers, but would have loved
them.
BOVE'S THEOREM
The remaining work required in order to finish a project
increases as the deadline approaches.
CANADA BILL JONES' MOTTO
It's morally wrong to allow naive end users to keep their
money.
CANN'S AXIOM
When all else fails, read the instructions.
CLARK'S THIRD LAW
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
Magic.
DEADLINE DAN'S DEMO DEMONSTRATION
Every task takes twice as long as you think it will take. If
you double the time you think it will take, it will actually
take four times as long.
DEMIAN'S OBSERVATION
There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled
and should read "ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE."
DR. CALIGAR'S COMEBACK
Disk errors occur only after you've done several hours of work
without making a backup.
THOMAS WATSON'S LAW
No matter how large and standardized the marketplace, IBM can
re-define it.