The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Fri, 25 Oct 1996 14:19:37 +0100
Hiya Folks... Here's some fun on life in the technology age... Wishes & Dreams... - ANDREA xx *************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************* *****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*****<bloodaxe@geocities.com>***** *** *** *** THE LOONY BIN *** *** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk *** *** Archive: http://eleceng.ukc.ac.uk/~pjw/loonies/ *** *** *** *******************Internet Goddess******************** **********************ANDROMEDA************************ ------- Forwarded foolishness follows ------- LIVING WITH COMPUTERS Part II: How To Buy A Computer by Dave Barry If you're a novice in cyberspace, you may think that buying a computer is a scary and confusing process. But the truth is that if you take a little time to learn a few basic principles and some of the technical lingo, buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. So let's get started! WHAT KIND OF COMPUTER DO I NEED? Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer. Computer manufacturers have agents monitoring your home at all times; the instant you come home with a newly purchased computer, these agents use their wrist radios to contact the manufacturer and say: (YOUR NAME) just bought a computer! It's time to come out with a much better one with way more features for the same price, so that (YOUR NAME) will feel like a great big consumer bonerhead! I know! They've done this to me dozens of times! (NOTE: Perhaps you think you can trick them by bringing home an empty computer box and remarking to yourself, out loud: Here I am, bringing home a new computer that I just purchased! Perhaps you are a fool: They have X-ray glasses.) And then we have software. I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software incompatibility probems that, in terms of complexity, make the U.S. Tax Code look like Dr. Seuss. A typical exchange of messages goes like this: WINDOWS PROBLEM I'm wondering if anybody can help me with a problem I'm having on my computer at work. I recently upgraded to Windows 95 from Windows 3.1416, and I've noticed that when I running WordWanker Version 2.0.9.4 (which I upgraded from 1.8.4.7) in conjunction with FaxBuddy! Version 4.2.4.3.7857, everything works fine for about the first 25 minutes, but then if I try to type a subordinating conjunction followed by any form of the verb foment, the keyboard locks up permanently and the hard drive makes a whimpering sound and all current data is erased, including data in computers several cubicles away. I have tried everything, including reformatting my hard drive and exorcism. Please help! REPLY TO: WINDOWS PROBLEM I had exactly the same problem, and after a lot of trial and error I found out that if you click on the Windows Control Panel, then on Command Center, then on Reset Variables, then on Establish New Parameters, then on Define Standards, then on Modify Criteria, then on Effectuate Paradigms, then on the little icon that says Do Not Ever Click On This Little Icon, then go down to the box that says Enter New Value, and type in 2038, you will still have the same problem. This is why I started using heroin. And so it goes in the user groups, endless, increasingly poignant discussions of problems that the human mind was never designed to grapple with. Of course, your experience could be totally different; you might find that everything works exactly the way it's supposed to, no problems, no glitches, nothing, in which case whatever you do, don't wake up. ========================= LIVING WITH COMPUTERS Part III: Real Computer Terms For Real People Once you get your computer home, of course, you no longer need to use technical terms. But you will want familiarize yourself with the following: COMPUTER TERMS THAT YOU WILL ACTUALLY USE ONCE YOU GET THE COMPUTER HOME FROM THE STORE "UH-oh." "What the hell happened to my REPORT?" "I NEED THAT REPORT!!" (Pounding on the computer:) "GIVE ME BACK MY REPORT OR I'M GOING TO THROW YOUR LITTLE FRIEND THE FAX MACHINE OUT THE WINDOW!" "Wait! The screen is saying something: BIOS ROM AUTOCACHE FORMAT ERROR THAT'S helpful." "I'll call Technical Support Hotline." (After 173 minutes on hold listening to Tom Jones sing "What's New, Pussycat?":) "I'll read the manual." "Who wrote this thing? The Internal Revenue Service?" "Okay, here it is, page 367: A "BIOS ROM AUTOCACHE FORMAT ERROR" message indicates that there is an error in the BIOS ROM automate format. That clears THAT up!" "Jason, could you help Daddy, please? Daddy can't get the computer to give him his report. Yes, Jason, Daddy knows you're watching Power Rangers, but this is really, really important." "Jason!" "DAMMIT, JASON, IF YOU DON'T HELP DADDY GET HIS REPORT OUT OF THIS COMPUTER RIGHT NOW, DADDY IS GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF HIS CORPORATE LIFE CLEANING URINALS!" "No, Don't cry, Jason! Daddy's sorry! Listen, if you help Daddy get his report back, Daddy will buy you a motorcycle, OK?" "Yes! A real one!" "That's right, Jason, it says 'BIOS ROM AUTOCACHE FORMAT ERROR.'" "Haha! Yes, Jason, Daddy IS a big doodyhead to make an error like that! But how can Daddy get his - What are you doing, Jason? Are you sure you know what you're . . . HEY! THERE IT IS! DADDY'S REPORT! Thank you, Jason! Thank you thank you thank you thank . . . "OK. A red motorcycle. But you can't tell Mommy."