The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Tue, 15 Oct 1996 22:52:36 +0100
Hiya Folks... Here's somthing for those trying to get a bit of exercise... Wishes & Dreams... - ANDREA xx *************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************* *****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*****<bloodaxe@geocities.com>***** *** *** *** THE LOONY BIN *** *** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk *** *** Archive: http://eleceng.ukc.ac.uk/~pjw/loonies/ *** *** *** *******************Internet Goddess******************** **********************ANDROMEDA************************ ------- Forwarded foolishness follows ------- "The Dieter's Guide To Weight Loss During Sex" ----------------------------------------------------------- Activity Calories Burned ----------------------------------------------------------- REMOVING CLOTHES ---------------- With partner's consent...................................12 Without partner's consent...............................187 Unhooking bra Using two calm hands.....................................7 Using one trembling hand................................96 GETTING INTO BED ---------------- Lifting partner..........................................15 Dragging partner along the floor.........................16 Using skateboard..........................................3 ACHIEVING ERECTION ------------------ For normal, healthy man...............................2 1/4 For normal healthy women................................549 Losing erection.........................................1/4 Searching for it........................................115 PUTTING ON PROPHYLACTIC ----------------------- With erection..........................................1 1/4 Without erection.........................................300 INSERTING DIAPHRAGM ------------------- If the woman who does it is Experienced...............................................6 Inexperienced............................................73 If a man does it regardless of experience...............680 Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room INSERTION --------- If woman is ready........................................1/4 If man is not............................................274 METHOD OF THE ACT ----------------- Tender and loving Man on top................................................275 Woman on top..............................................400 Man on bottom, eyes on woman..............................535 POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY ---------------------------------- Italian: man on top, woman in kitchen.....................26 Russian: woman on bottom, man getting permission..........55 American: both on top.....................................60 POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE ------------------------------------ Bouncing...................................................7 Sliding around.............................................9 Serious skidding..........................................12 Whiplash..................................................27 ORGASM ------ Real......................................................27 Faked....................................................160 ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE ------------------------ Shoes flew off............................................35 Expression didn't change.................................1/2 Orchestra swelled..........................................6 Birds sang Large birds...............................................7 Small birds...............................................3 Earth moved...............................................30 PULLING OUT ----------- After orgasm.............................................1/4 A few moments before orgasm..............................500 PENIS ENVY ---------- For woman.................................................3 For man..................................................72 GUILT ----- Despite almost no formal training, orgasm comes easily, naturally and spontaneously.............................53 You're enjoying sex, despite the fact that other people are starving.............................................2 Sex on your lunch hour....................................3 And you put it on your expense report....................20 AGGRAVATION ----------- Partner keeps showing you his/her plants..................5 Partner insists on cuddling dog during foreplay..........14 Partner just visited bathroom for the seventh time.......10 Partner is taking phone calls.............................7 Partner is making phone calls............................40 GETTING CAUGHT -------------- By partner's spouse......................................60 By your spouse.......................................60 1/2 Trying to explain.......................................165 Trying to remain calm...................................100 Leaping out of bed.......................................25 Getting dressed in one large motion.....................300 Thanking partner quickly..................................2