The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Mon, 23 Sep 1996 16:11:10 +0100
Hiya People...
Some excerpts from the DNRC newsletter sent to us by Chuck...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
*****<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>***<bloodaxe@geocities.com>*****
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
*** ***
******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
Excerpts From the Dogbert New Ruling Class newsletter
Clues for Induhviduals
The following 11 tips for Induhviduals are based on allegedly true
stories reported from DNRC observers in the field. If one Induhvidual is
stymied by something, it's a safe bet that they all are, so this should
help a lot.
1.If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
2.If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be
resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
3.If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it
to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with
water.
4.No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get
heavier.
5.A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the
underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
6.It's okay to use the Poloroid Land Camera on a boat.
7.When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately.
Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit
in there.
8.When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room
and look for a package.
9.The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English
language web pages into French.
10.If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an
e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.
11.If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to
specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.
---------------------------------------------------------
Practical Jokes for the Office
Prank #1:
Using the conferencing feature of your office phone, dial one
Induhvidual, then while it's ringing dial another and conference them
together. Put your own phone on mute and listen to see how long they'll
make small talk before figuring out that neither one placed the call.
Prank #2:
Microsoft Word has an autocorrect spelling function in its latest
version. This function automatically corrects spelling mistakes as you
type. The wonderful part of it is that you can add words to the
autocorrect dictionary...including words that do not exist.
If your co-worker leaves his computer unsecure, you're home free.
For example, you could set it up so that the boss's first name, Bob, is
auto- corrected to Boob whenever the Induhvidual types it. Or set
paradigm to auto- correct to "puredumb." If you're good, you can get
your co-worker disciplined for sexual harassment plus any number of
diversity-related violations.
Prank #3:
Get a greeting card that plays an insidious tune. Wrap the musical chip
in cotton and tape it in on top of a ceiling tile in the victim's
office. Make it quiet enough that the victim only hears it when it's
especially silent. Act like he's crazy when he asks you if you hear
music.
Prank #4:
Put an official-looking sign over the control pad of your office fax or
copy machine that says it is now voice activated. The sign should direct
the users to say their full name in a loud, crisp voice (for tracking
purposes of course) followed by the desired commands, e.g., "This is
Bruce Induhvidual, give me ten copies, no staple."
---------------------------------------------------------
Prank Report:
An Induhvidual left his e-mail account online after he left work. The
next day his boss asked him why he sent a message asking to take a
shower with him in the locker room. The pranked Induhvidual could not
remember sending out the e-mail containing that suggestion.
Induhviduals Calling Tech Support
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Induhvidual: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Induhvidual: "How do I know when it's ready?
True Tales of Induhviduals
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his
address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where
Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look,
I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
-----
A co-worker was playing with an astronomy program called 'Distant Suns'
when an Induhvidual walked by, noticed his monitor and inquired what he
was doing. He replied that he was connected to the Hubbell telescope and
was manipulating its view from his keyboard over the Internet. He even
let this person take a try at moving our NASA's multi-million dollar
telescope himself, just by clicking the mouse and the arrow keys! The
person could not pry himself away, thinking he was working with the
Hubbell and could not wait to tell his wife what he had done at work.
-----
An Induhvidual in my office was having trouble with his email. I
overheard him discussing the fact that people to whom he had mailed
things yesterday had not yet received the messages. I asked about the
email "outbasket" and he replied that there was nothing there because he
had cleaned it all out this morning. A stunned silence followed while I
attempted to not laugh, and then I asked him if he meant that he deleted
everything in the outbasket. Yup. Oops.
It must be rough being the new guy.
-----
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put
it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
Hey, interns work free.
-----
I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators
called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins
into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was
thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my
trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure
enough - there was 40 cents.
[editor's note: Maybe there was some confusion over the phrase "screen
saver." ]
-----
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator
trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to
a directory named "i386". He started to type it and paused, asking me,
"Where's the key for that line thing?"
I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that
looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."
I replied, "You mean the letter i?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
-----
This Induhvidual had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard.
Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it
impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached.
He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He
didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling
back and forth.
-----
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had
set the cruise control, then went back to make a sandwich.
[Editor's note: No, I don't believe this one either.]
-----
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The Induhvidual who
answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
----
======================
Here's the set up:
I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message
comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your
television screen."
Comment from Induhvidual:
"How do they know what size screen I have?"