The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Fri, 23 Aug 1996 00:48:24 +0100
Hiya Loonies...
Here's a dictionary of terms as used by Continental Arilines...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
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------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
TERMINOLOGY
As you are all aware, the airline industry in which we work
has its own unique set of terminology. The following are
some of the most commonly used terms and their definitions.
PASSENGER -
A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually
found in pairs or small groups. Often will become
vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified
situations. When frightened or confused these creatures
collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has
no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient
places. Passengers are of four known species:
Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus
ignoramus.
PRE-BOARD -
Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before
departure.
VOLUNTARY OVERSALE -
A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is
coming off the flight.
NO-RECORD -
Any passenger booked through a travel agency.
NON-REVENUE POSITION -
Usually can be identified by the fact that these
passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or
flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue position are
permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent
revenue passengers from being able to pay first class
passenger charges.
GROUP -
A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger) travelling
together. The group leader, who has the tickets,
usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board
time of five minutes before departure, or until there
are no seats left together, whichever occurs last.
Reservation agents are prohibited form pre-assigning
seats to groups as this may convenience them.
SIGN -
An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by
small children. Its primary function is to hide the
location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate
numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.
POSITION CLOSED -
This is a sign posted at various counter locations,
which when interpreted by the passenger says, "Form
line here."
BAGGAGE CLAIM -
The most difficult area of the airport to find. It
is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage
Claim Area."
CARRY ON BAG -
An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow
managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the
inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says
the following are not acceptable as carry-on items:
bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires,
or wide screen projection TVs.
FLIGHT SCHEDULE -
An entertaining work of paperback fiction.
ON TIME -
An obscure term, meaning unknown.
FOG -
A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs
around an airport while the surrounding areas are
clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used
to delay flights.
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL -
A game played by airline pilots and air traffic
controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side
knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent
flights from arriving in time for passengers to make
connecting flights.
TICKET AGENT -
A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding
ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities
of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalyst, and
and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities
to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather
phenomena. They are capable of answering three
questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and
without stuttering or choking on their tongue. In later
life they sit in parks carrying on mysterious conversations
with themselves.