Horror Movie Tips...

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Fri, 23 Aug 1996 00:46:46 +0100


Hiya People...

Things we have learned from watching horror films...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx

************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
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***                THE LOONY BIN                  ***
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*********************ANDROMEDA***********************

  ------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------


                        Horror Movie Tips

1. When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's
really dead.

2. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a
church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or
committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed satanic
practices, move away immediately. 

3. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

4. Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.

5. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do
not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them
immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: It's
unlikely they'll die easily, so be prepared.

6. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go it alone. 

7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open a portal to hell. 

8. If you're searching for something that caused a noise and find that it was
just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

9. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip and fall down at least
twice, more so if you are female. Also note that, although you are running
and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to
catch up with you. 

10. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior
such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness,
and so on, get away from them as fast as possible. 

11. Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky because "there
is so much we can learn from them."

12. Don't make fun of, or play with dead things.

13. When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to
start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have
to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up. 

14. Never have sex in the bunk beds of recently renovated summer camps. 

15. People arriving to rescue you  generally get ambushed by the monster, so
don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be
surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point. 

16. On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to. 

17. Never EVER go in / out there ( There being the attic, closet, barn,
basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows, the
woods or the lake. )

18. If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, abandon all hope, because
sooner or later, no matter how many antibiotics you take, you will become one
of them. 

19. Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy
breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side. 

20. Never camp or build homes on an Indian burial ground.

21. Never pick up the phone and call for help. Chances are your phone will be
dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster swinging some sort of sharp
object. 

22. Never be present immediately before, after, or during a successful demon
/ devil / monster summoning.

23. If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you,
chances are it will appear in front of you ( and if you're a girl, this will
happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up to look behind you. )

24. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out. 

25. Don't fool with recombinant DNA unless you're sure you know what you're
doing.