The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Thu, 8 Aug 1996 09:02:16 +0100
Hiya Folks...
These originate in South Africa, but seem to be applicable everywhere...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
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*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
ARTICLE I
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.
ARTICLE II
The following precedence must be accorded at all times.
In descending order, give way to: elephants, Taxis, heavy trucks, buses,
official cars, Taxis, light trucks, Taxis, buffalo, Jeeps, ox-carts,
Taxis, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, goats, bicycles (goods-
carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians,
Taxis.
ARTICLE III
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to
slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the
drivers' mantra.
ARTICLE IV
Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):
Cars(IV,1,a-c): Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, ie in
clearing dogs and pedestrians from path. Long blasts (desperate)
denotes supplication, ie to oncoming truck, "I am going too fast to
stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die". In extreme cases
this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic). Single
blast (casual) means "I have seen someone out of the millions of people
whom I recognize", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed
could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for
several minutes."
Trucks and buses (IV,2,a): All horn signals have the same meaning, viz,
"I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no
intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal may be emphasized
by the use of headlamps (insouciant). Article IV remains subject to the
provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above.
ARTICLE V
All manoeuvers, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the
last possible moment.
ARTICLE VI
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall
wear Cellular phones strapped to there ears. These should be kept
fastened at all times.
ARTICLE VII
Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority.So
has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle. Lane
discipline (VII,1): All traffic at all times and irrespective of
direction of travel shall occupy the center of the road.
ARTICLE VIII
Roundabouts: There are no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the
middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other
impression should be ignored.
ARTICLE IX
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake
every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just
overtaken you. Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable
conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends,
at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centers. No more than
two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are
passing - and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.
ARTICLE X
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.