The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Sun, 19 May 1996 11:37:30 +0100
Hiya folks...
Some daft signs for you...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
ps...Another reminder that those of you who are leaving your email
accounts for the long summer vacation should let me know when you are
going so that I don't blow up your mailboxes...:-)
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*******************
*** ***
*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
*** ***
******************Internet Goddess*******************
*********************ANDROMEDA***********************
------- Forwarded foolishness follows -------
Outside a jeweller's shop:
EARS PIERCED WHILE YOU WAIT
Outside an electrical store:
WHY GO ELSEWHERE TO BE CHEATED WHEN YOU CAN COME IN HERE!
Sign in a laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a dress shop window:
DON'T STAND OUTSIDE AND FAINT - COME IN AND HAVE A FIT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING
IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG
20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
In the window of a dry cleaner's:
SAME DAY DRY CLEANING - ALL GARMENTS READY IN 48 HOURS
Road sign:
TURN RIGHT FOR THE FAIRY GLEN. BEWARE OF HEAVY LORRIES
At the zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ELEPHANTS. IF YOU HAVE ANY PEANUTS OR
BUNS GIVE THEM TO THE KEEPER ON DUTY.
In an office:
AFTER TEABREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE
DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door:
'THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.'
(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAUGHT.
PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
Outside a furniture shop:
OUR MOTTO: WE PROMISE YOU THE LOWEST PRICES AND WORKMANSHIP.
Sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT
BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
In a grocery shop:
TRY OUR LOCAL BUTTER. NOBODY CAN TOUCH IT.
In a Chinese restaurant:
IF YOU ARE SATISFACTORY PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS. IF YOU ARE NOT
SATISFACTORY PLEASE TELL THE WAITER
Outside a farm:
CATTLE PLEASE CLOSE GATE
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of
Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED
AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW
Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Sign on a farm gate:
DOGS FOUND WORRYING WILL BE SHOT
In a restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITING STAFF RUDE SHOULD SEE THE MANAGER
Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a smart shop:
NO CHILDREN ALOUD
Seen outside a travel agency:
WHY DON'T YOU GO AWAY?
Notice in a pet shop:
BIRDS GOING CHEEP!
Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign in a picture shop:
LET US PUT YOU IN THE PICTURE AND FRAME YOU
In an electrical shop:
WHY SMASH YOUR PLATES WASHING UP? LET ONE OF OUR DISHWASHERS DO
IT FOR YOU
Sign at a garden fete:
BABY SHOW. ALL ENTRIES TO BE HANDED IN AT THE GATE
In a cafe window:
WAITRESSES REQUIRED FOR BREAKFAST
Found in a butcher's shop:
THESE SCALES ARE ACURATE NO TWO WEIGHS ABOUT IT
Seen in a shop selling calculators and computers:
YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON US
Notice in restaurant:
OUR CUTLERY IS NOT MEDICINE SO PLEASE DO NOT TAKE IT AFTER MEALS
Seen in an American department store at Christmas:
VISIT SANTA'S GROTTO. NO WAITING - WE'RE THE ONLY STORE IN NEW
YORK WITH THREE SANTAS
Seen at an American undertaker's
OSCAR'S FUNERAL PARLOUR - WHERE YOU'LL ALWAYS FIND A SMILE
Notice in a London park:
NO WALKING, SITTING OR PLAYING ON THE GRASS IN THIS PLEASURE PARK
Seen in a Coventry Factory:
ANY MEMBER OF STAFF WHO NEEDS TO TAKE THE DAY OFF TO GO TO A
FUNERAL MUST WARN THE FOREMAN ON THE MORNING OF THE MATCH
Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.
BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST
ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR
BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Sign in a chemist's shop:
WE DISPENSE WITH ACCURACY
Spotted in a garden centre:
UP THESE STEPS FOR THE SUNKEN GARDEN
Sign on a newly painted bench:
WET PAINT. WATCH IT OR WEAR IT
Seen in a watch shop:
PLEASE WAIT PATIENTLY TO BE SERVED. I ONLY HAVE TWO HANDS
Notice in the window of a fabric shop:
REPAIRS AND ALTERATIONS DONE HERE. DYING ARRANGED
Road sign:
STEEPLE BUMSTEAD: LEFT 3 MILES
RIGHT 3 MILES
STRAIGHT AHEAD 3 MILES
Sign outside pet shop:
NO DOGS ALLOWED
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE
DISPOSED OF
Spotted in a Blackpool guest house:
HOT AND COLD RUNNING IN ALL ROOMS
Notice in Keighley restaurant:
FROM MONDAY OUR CATERING ASSISTANTS WILL BE PLEASED TO SERVE
CUSTOMERS TO THE VEGETABLES
Seen outside a fire station:
FIRE STATION - NO SMOKING
Notice on Norfolk village shop:
HALF-DAY CLOSING ALL DAY WEDNESDAY
Sign in London pizza parlour:
OPEN 24 HOURS - EXCEPT 2 A.M. - 8 A.M.
Seen outside dancing academy:
PLEASE MIND THE STEPS
Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE
WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Circus poster:
BIFFO BROTHERS' CIRCUS, FEATURING MARVO, THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE
WORLD. IN TOWN ALL WEAK
Sign outside a church in Hemel Hempstead:
THE LAST WORLD WAR. WHERE AND WHEN WILL IT BE FOUGHT?
ST. MARGARET'S, HARTFORD STREET ON TUESDAY 22ND FEBRUARY
AT 7:00 P.M.
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY
CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Sign in a tea shop:
TODAY'S SPECIAL. POT OF TEA WITH STONES AND JAM.
Spotted in a golf club:
GOLFERS PLEASE DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE
Seen in a college:
THIS WEEK'S LECTURE: UNDERWATER LIFE BY PETER FISH
Notice in hairdresser's window:
STYLIST WANTED. GOOD PAY AND FRINGE BENEFITS
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE
BULL CHARGES
Sign at the tennis club:
WOULD SPECTATORS PLEASE BE QUIET BURING MATCHES AND LET THE
PLAYERS RAISE A RACQUET
Spotted at the railway station:
PASSENGERS ARE ASKED NOT TO CROSS THE LINES - IT TAKES AGES FOR
US TO UNCROSS THEM AGAIN
Notice at the zoo:
CHILDREN FOUND STRAYING WILL BE SENT TO THE LION ENCLOSURE
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK)
Sign in office block:
LIFT OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE ELEVATOR
Traffic sign:
PARKING RESTRICTED TO 60 MINUTES IN ANY HOUR
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST
LEFT
Notice in church hall:
ELECTRICAL SPECIALIST WILL BE HERE ON THURSDAY MORNING TO SHOW
PARISHIONERS HOW TO WIRE PLUGS AND MAKE SMALL REPIARS. FOLLOWED
BY A LIGHT LUNCH
Sign spoted in farmyard:
MANURE FOR SALE. BRING YOUR OWN BUCKET
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
Sign in a Japanese hotel:
SPORTS JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT NO TROUSERS
Sign in Swiss hotel:
DO YOU WISH TO CHANGE IN ZURICH? DO SO AT THE HOTEL BANK!
Sign in Italian hotel:
DO NOT ADJUST YOR LIGHT HANGER. IF YOU WISH MORE LIGHT SEE
MANAGER
Sign in Australian hotel:
IN CASE OF FIRE PLEASE DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HALL PORTER
Sign in French hotel:
IN THE EVENT OF FIRE THE VISITOR, AVOIDING PANIC, IS TO WALK DOWN
THE CORRIDOR TO WARN THE CHAMBERMAID
Sign outside a French cafe:
PERSONS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO OCCUPY SEATS IN THIS CAFE WITHOUT
CONSUMING
Sign in Egyptain hotel:
IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE, PLEASE OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT, `ROOM
SERVICE!'.