Re: THE OTHER 1,999 FEDERATION STARSHIPS

The Loony Bin ( loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk )
Thu, 2 May 1996 18:42:56 +0100


Hiya People...

Here's one for the Trekkers...

Wishes & Dreams...

- ANDREA
        xx
-- 
************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
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*********************ANDROMEDA***********************

  ------- Forwarded message follows -------

Sure, we all know the ENTERPRISE was sent on a 5 year mission to boldly
go where no man/woman/alien/lawyer has gone before, but has anyone ever 
wondered what the other 2000 or so ships in Starfleet are doing?  I
mean, the galaxy's a pretty big place, and since ships named ENTERPRISE
seem to have a nasty habit of being blown up, the Federation needs a
hefty reserve force.
 
For the first time, we present:
     
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FROM THE SECRET FILES OF STARFLEET: THE OTHER 1,999 FEDERATION STARSHIPS
(or at least 60 some-odd of them)
     
By David Nurenberg, author of the world-famous Star Trek Superiority
Series and the 1995 USENET Fan Fiction-Award-winning Comparative
Commanders' Analysis.
  
USS DOLE: A rather old ship, one warp nacelle isn't functioning, and
there's some corrosion in the lower decks.  Despite this, the captain
still wants to try and get it named Flagship for next year.  
     
USS GRAHAM: Aborted a mission of its own to fly behind the USS DOLE. 
     
USS GINGRICH: A previously unheard of vessel, it has recently gone rogue
and is destroying all medical ships it can find.
     
USS BUCHANAN: Like the GINGRICH, it's gone rogue, and its captain wants
to make the Federation great again by wiping out any and all nonhumans -
not exactly the principles Starfleet wishes to uphold.
     
USS CLINTON: Concluding a four year mission to collect taxes from
Federation worlds, pending renewal for another four.  Its crew means
well, but can't seem to find the right controls.  Should stop
negotiating when it should be firing phasers.
     
USS PEROT: Started on a mission, then vanished without a trace, only to 
mysteriously re-appear.  No one's heard much from it lately.
     
USS GATES: Keeps discovering new technologies and driving Starfleet
nuts, as the admirals try to keep up with the constant upgrading.
     
USS WINDOWS: We haven't heard from it in awhile...we think it crashed.
     
USS MAC: A really sleek and attractive ship that unfortunately blew up
awhile 
back.  Something went wrong and the crew discovered to their horror that 
nothing aboard was user-serviceable.
     
USS FREUD: What do YOU think its mission was?  What makes you say that?
     
USS MARX: The crew mutinied.
     
USS DALI: Flew too close to a sun and melted all funny.
     
USS HARVARD: Very small crew, everyone tries to get posted there but few
are accepted.
     
USS YALE: Used to be like the USS HARVARD until it was assigned to
patrol a war zone - now applications for transfers have dwindled
significantly.
     
USS DARTMOUTH: Someone modified the warp core to run on booze.
     
USS BARD: Someone modified the warp core to run on marijuana.
     
USS FEDERAL GOVT: Someone modified the warp core to run on empty.
     
USS RONALD REAGAN: Someone wiped its memory banks clean.
     
USS NANCY REAGAN: Uses astrological signs to navigate.
     
USS HILLARY CLINTON: Occasionally takes over the USS BILL CLINTON's
missions - and handles them a lot better!
     
USS BOBBIT: Damaged in battle - someone chopped off its torpedo tube.
It was replaced, but now it doesn't fire very well.
     
USS YELTZIN: A Klingon ship that keeps trying to convince Starfleet that
it's a Federation ship, or wants to be.
     
USS PENTIUM: Tried to split into saucer and battledrive sections, but
keeps dividing incorrectly.
     
USS PENTIUM PRO: Actually flies slower than the USS PENTIUM.
     
USS JACKSON: Is always in drydock being refitted and modified.
     
USS MEATLOAF: Would do anything for Starfleet...but it won't do that.
     
USS PRESLEY: We thought it was destroyed years ago, but reports come in
daily from ships that sight it.
     
USS SONDHEIM: Merrily it warps along, warps along...
     
USS FUDD: It's Klingon season!  It's Romulan season!  No, it's Klingon 
season!  No, it's Romulan season!
     
USS KEVORKIAN: Activates the self-destruct systems of older or damaged
ships.
     
USS ENERGIZER: Keeps going and going and going...
     
USS BARNEY: Starfleet APB - if you see this big purple ship, destroy it
on sight!
     
USS LENO: Continuing the mission of the now-decommissioned USS CARSON.
     
USS LETTERMAN: The world's most dangerous ship.
     
USS LIMBAUGH: A construction mistake - it's too big and bulky to move 
anywhere, so it's only method of attack is to sit in place and clutter
the subspace channels with harmful chatter.
     
USS BUNDY: Boldly goes in search of hooters.
     
USS SEINFELD: Did you ever notice this ship?
     
USS WINFREY: First it was a light cruiser, then it got converted into a
heavy one, then retrofitted to be a light cruiser again...
     
USS TYSON: An unstoppable superdreadnought that kept ramming itself into 
asteroids.  Just released from holding dock after attacking innocents.
     
USS OLSON and USS OLSON II: Cuteness ray!  Aaaahhh!  Turn it off!
     
USS ANDERSON: My, what large...warp nacelles...
     
USS ANISTON: Seen baring its hull a lot recently,
     
USS BERGEN: Discovered the secret to subspace communications for only a
dime, now won't shut up about it.
     
USS GUMP: But most people call it the USS GUMP.  A shrimp transport.
     
USS KOSTNER: Last seen orbiting a water planet, caught in a money-
draining field.
     
USS TARENTINO: Finds Cardassian ships and gets medieval on their aft
sections
     
USS HANKS: Sector 001, we have a problem...
     
USS KERRIGAN: Recovering from damage to its nacelle struts
     
USS HARDING: Its warp coils became untied...can it do its mission over
again from the beginning, pleeeeease?
     
USS KENT: Seemingly a mild-mannered scow, it is really a super-warship
with powers far beyond those of  mortal vessels...