The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Fri, 19 Apr 1996 01:40:02 +0100
Hiya People... Another bit of US political humour from Chuck...I can see what he's doing with his research time... Wishes & Dreams... - A xx -- ************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************ ******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>******************* *** *** *** THE LOONY BIN *** *** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk *** *** *** ***************************************************** **********************ANDROMEDA********************** ------- Forwarded message follows ------- DNRC Political Analysis ----------------------- The following discussion of US presidential politics will seem useless to those of you who are not citizens of the US. But I can promise you that it will be useless to the US citizens too. I don't play favorites. If tradition holds, the nine people who actually vote in the next US presidential election will base their decision primarily on the "intangible" qualities of each candidate. Chief among the intangibles is the vital question of who each candidate reminds us of. Phil Gramm ---------- Gramm reminds me of ET. He's loveable, that's for sure. But I'll never forgive him for making me sob uncontrollably on a first date when I thought the little fellow was dead. It's hard to act sexy and masculine at a movie when your head is puffed up like Ted Kennedy at an all night kegger. It looks like Gramm is out of the race, but ET fooled us too. Bob Dole -------- Dole reminds me of Darth Vader except older and more bitter. Close your eyes and imagine Dole with his helmet off, whispering "I am your father, Luke." On one hand, it might be good for national defense to have Darth Vader at the helm. But on the other hand (the one with the pencil), Darth tried to kill his own teenage son, who went on to star in some very bad movies. I think it sends a mixed signal about family values. Steve Forbes ------------- Forbes reminds me of our leader, Dogbert. Everybody knows that the average voter is an idiot, but Forbes is actually DOING something about it: the flat tax proposal. Experts agree that the flat tax would raise taxes on the middle class, but predictably, the idiot-infested middle class supports the idea because they don't pay attention too closely and they think their taxes will go down. Forbes' own taxes would go way down, and his company would make out like a bandit. You have to love a candidate who isn't afraid to treat the whole thing as an investment. Bill Clinton ------------- Clinton reminds me of the water stain on the ceiling above my shower. Every morning I ask myself how much it's really bothering me, then I decide to leave it there for another four years. Richard Lugar ------------- Lugar reminds me of a cross between Mister Rogers and Alfred E. Newman. Lugar's experience looks good on paper, but deep down I'm worried that he puts his underwear on backwards about half the time. Then he calls his wife in to show her that he "Did it again" and then they both laugh hysterically at the fact that he's trying to become the leader of the free world. Pat Buchanan ------------ Buchanan reminds me of a huge, angry beaver: industrious, yet rodential. I imagine myself sitting in a log cabin, looking out the window and seeing him just sitting on my lawn scowling and licking his lips. I know that if I go to the post office, I'll come back to find my house disassembled and floating on a nearby stream. I recommend building a large aluminum fence around Buchanan's tour bus to keep him away from the rest of the country. Summary: I doubt any candidate can win without the unqualified endorsement of the DNRC. (And I do mean unqualified.) Dogbert has authorized me to throw the full weight of DNRC endorsement to the first candidate who joins the DNRC -- no matter how repugnant that person might be -- by sending a snail mail request, on official letterhead, to: Dilbert List Presidential Endorsement c/o United Media 200 Madison Ave NYC, NY 10016