The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Fri, 12 Apr 1996 00:30:12 +0100
Hiya People...
Alan's at it again...
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
xx
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************<andrea@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk>************
******************<ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>*******************
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*** THE LOONY BIN ***
*** loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk ***
*** ***
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**********************ANDROMEDA**********************
------- Forwarded message follows -------
For those of us who are just a little bit computer illiterate.
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Unleash the Power of Shift!
The Shift Key FAQ - Version 1.1
by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu
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Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the
*real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just
little signs to point them out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as
in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to
touch type and quit staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should
not use this feature, however, because these letters are also
brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly
embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You
might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector
program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but
don't say I didn't warn you.
Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type
capital letters and punctuation/
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual
advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of
the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the
shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks
that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions;
replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".
Q. I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOW?
A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your
keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more
reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each
of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can.
Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your
favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you
need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld
blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be
sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.
Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there
are two keys labelled "hif"?
A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and
washing your hands more frequently for that matter.
Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be
labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key
to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a
mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.
Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want
big letters. Is there any other way to do this?
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to
activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice!
Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition
equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its
speaker. Then watch the keyboard
closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to
repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize
your voice before the feature works reliably.
Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating
between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you
press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a
small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two
columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a
little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.
Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as
the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your
shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To
verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard,
place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200
yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!
Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many
times, will my computer explode?
A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC
laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever.
Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it.
Just type softly. Move along, next question.
Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work.
What's wrong?
A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your
keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended
the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have
strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to
reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead with a lot of
shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in
dealing with any unresolved issues in your relationship with the
Almighty.