The Loony Bin
(
loonies@bloodaxe.demon.co.uk
)
Tue, 12 Mar 1996 13:20:16 +0000
Hiya all...
Here's the latest sacrificial offering...it reduced me to tears...so sit
down, brace yourself...and have fun...:-)
Wishes & Dreams...
- ANDREA
ps...Thanks again Dragon...How can you possibly be getting any work
done...???...:-)
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Mon, 11 Mar 1996 23:04:05 +0000
From: David Clarke <Humour@silktown.demon.co.uk>
To: Andrea Chee <ajc6@ukc.ac.uk>
Subject: Student Bloopers
------- Forwarded message follows -------
Dear All,
Present from Niriksha ...
The World According to Student Bloopers
Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have
pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine
student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from
eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a
huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and
Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to
sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's
birthmark.
Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs,
but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the
Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses
led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get
the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented
three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths.
A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him
in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The
Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the
last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not
written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. There were
no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they
couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought
the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets,
the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on
the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought
he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his
poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before
the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and
the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna
Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote
literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being
excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the
female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of
great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter
Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake
circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was
the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed
herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out
and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He
lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors.
In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by
relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to
convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet
are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear
was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John
Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote
"Paradise Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims
crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they
landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the
hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies
on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their
cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard
onefor the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain
John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post
without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls
over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally,
the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented
electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against
itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted
to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,
"In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address
while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment
gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and
lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14,
1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the
actors ina moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth,
a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was
invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the
apples are flaling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was
deaf.
He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even
when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died
for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the
French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic
Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the
Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.
Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.
He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness,
she couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest
queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the
end of her life were exemplatory of a reat personality. Her death was hhe
final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a
hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer
discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the
"Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became
one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Regards
Alex
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alex Everard Ext 5894 Holland House,
Senior Consultant Phone +44 (0)1344 415894 Park One,
UK Business Systems Fax +44 (0)1344 473247 Bracknell
Oracle UK Email aeverard@uk.oracle.com
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--
David Clarke
--
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