Steve
(
khw@ukc.ac.uk
)
Mon, 25 Apr 94 12:43:47 BST
More of Murphy's Laws
* A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* A free agent is anything but.
* As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline rencounters
turbulence.
* Exceptions always outnumber rules.
* Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* If enough data is collected, anyghing may be proven by statistical methods.
* If it says "one size fits all," it dosen't fit anyone.
* If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be
unreasonable.
* If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
* Interchangable parts won't.
* Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
* Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three
weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
* Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good
price.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session.
* No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
* People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of
them being made.
* Progress is made on alternative Fridays.
* Quality assurance dosen't.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
* The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the
butter.
* The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
* The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
* The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
* The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
* The one item you want is never the one on sale.
* The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
* The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your
keys.
* The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really
know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be
illegible.
* When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two
weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
* When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby,
while all other coins will roll out of sight.
* Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of
incompetence.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* You never want the one you can afford.
MURHPY'S LAWS OF COMBAT
----------------------------
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
5. The problem with the easy way out is that it has already been mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, the enemy may be low on ammo.
7. Veterans are predictable, it's the replacements that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. when you're ready for them.
b. when you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
10. If you can't remember, then the claymore anti-personnel mine IS
pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
13. If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.
14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
16. If you build yourself a bunker that's tough for the enemy to get into
quickly, then you won't be able to get out of it quickly either.
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in combat.
19. When you've secured the area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
21. Friendly fire isn't.
22. If the platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
23. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay
awake when you can sleep.
24. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map
and a compass.
25. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
26. A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.
27. Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just regrouping for a counter-
attack.
28. If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike.
29. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
30. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is
watching.
31. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
32. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
33. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
34. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on
ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
35. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be
repaired.
36. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
37. Interchangeable parts aren't.
38. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
39. There is no such thing as military 'intelligence'
40. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
41. The one item you need is always in short supply.
42. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
43. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the
weapon's operator.
44. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
45. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most im-
portant ones are always illegible.
46. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up killed or wounded.
47. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what
they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want.
48. To steal information from a person is called plagarism. To steal informa-
tion from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
49. The weapon that always jams when you need it the most is the M60.
50. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet
is filled by some unqualified idiot.
51. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the emeny takes 2 weeks to
attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack
that night.
52. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the
Congressional Medal Of Honor.
53. A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of
a plan, stupid enough to try it, and luck enough to survive.
54. The enemy never monitors your radio traffic until you broadcast on an
unsecure channel.
55. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades
always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
56. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
57. Never tell the platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
58. The seriousness of a wound is inversely proportional to the distance to
the nearest form of cover.
59. Walking point = sniper bait.
60. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where got tired of marching that
day.
61. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually
a stupid solution.
62. Recoiless weapons aren't.
63. Suppressive fire works on everything but the enemy.
64. You are not Superman, but sometimes thinking you are will save you ass!
65. Murphy was a grunt.
MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX
--------------------
* The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it
is to leave her with no hard feelings.
* Nothing improves with age.
* No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take
it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
* Sex has no calories.
* Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
amount of trouble.
* There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
* Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think
you've got.
* No sex with anyone in the same office.
* Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are
going to get or how long it is going to last.
* A man in the house is worth two in the street.
* If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will
follow.
* Virginity can be cured.
* When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually
stops listening to him.
* Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
* The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually
the same ones she can't stand years later.
* Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
* It is always the wrong time of month.
* The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
* When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
* Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances
are you won't either.
* Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray
for crop failure.
* The younger the better.
* The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
* It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground
that caused the trouble in the garden.
* Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
* Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a
lot of frogs.
* There may be some things better than sex, and some things
worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
* Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
* Love is a hole in the heart.
* If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had
gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog
stands on the moon.
* Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
* Do it only with the best.
* Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned
four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
* One good turn gets most of the blankets.
* You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine
women.
* Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
* It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved
at all.
* Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
* Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than
you.
* Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
* Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
* A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the
women he couldn't.
* What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in
the stick.
* It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
* Never say no.
* A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love
her.
* Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
* Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
* Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
* A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
* Love comes in spurts.
* The world does not revolve on an axis.
* Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other
eight are unimportant.
* Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
* Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
* There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when
they fall in love.
* Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
* Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
* "This won't hurt, I promise."
* Leakproof seals... will.
* Self starters... will not.
* If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll get over it.
* All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
* If you try to please everyone, no one will like it.
* A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something
to put in his mouth.
* There's never time to do it right, but there's always time
to do it over.
* Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually
plunge into the Atlantic ocean.
* If everything seems to be going well, then you obviously
don't know what the hell is going on.